Sunday Sense; You Are Dismissed!

Hello Lovies!

How are you on this morning?  Are you thinking to yourself…why are you here Morgan?  It’s Sunday – you don’t post on Sundays!? And you would be right. I don’t always like posting on the weekends; it’s my time to relax with the family, avoid the computer/social media, and just enjoy some quiet time on the couch.  But today, as I sat at the kitchen table while eating breakfast with W, I read something that really jolted me and I felt compelled to share it with you in case you feel the same way as so many of us (women & moms) have.  It is an article written for the Burlington, Vermont Moms Blog by a woman named Gretchin, entitled Ten Reasons to Dismiss Someone From Your Life (Read the full article here). * 

While reading this I honestly felt like the author had entered the journal of my brain and stolen some of my thoughts and feelings. Like, is this Gretchin person the Long Island Medium or something? I’ve dealt with “mean girls” on and off my whole life; we all have!  In middle school I was ridiculed because of a haircut…a haircut that Michelle Williams makes look super hot right now, but not one for a pre-pubescent 7th grader with braces.  In College it was the typical sorority cattiness; we were all bitches in our own right then.  However, it wasn’t until shortly after college that I was hurt, badly, by an actual friend.  Not an acquaintance. Not a “mean girl.”  But a very close friend…or at least I thought we were close.  The idea of “dismissing” this person, or anyone from my life because of their painful behavior had never even occurred to me…but I did it.  At the time it was unfathomable to think that I would have to remove relationships from my life, but as a woman it’s an unfortunate certainty I’ve learned we will all experience.  Most recently though, I have been going through a particularly difficult time with the behavior of mom friends (long term ones & ones I’ve just recently met) and the need to rid them from my life because they have become a poison to me & my family. This is exactly why Gretchin’s article resonated with me. She puts it perfectly;

I was raised to forgive, to mend friendships, to try to understand other’s points of view, to empathize. None of that has changed… I may not dismiss you forever, but I certainly won’t spend more time with you and reward your negative behavior in my life… Some days, I may not answer the door or my phone. I may put distance between you and my family for however long I need that to be, and I’ll make the message clear: You’re not allowed to cause our family [or me] pain. I won’t let you [anymore].

I’ve sought a lot of “council” recently on how to handle this situation, because after all, I am a nice person.  I don’t understand why and/or how people can be so cruel.  I like to think that I am a people person; one that wants to include everyone and get along with everyone. I take other people’s feelings into consideration.  But what I’ve learned the hard way is that people are not like me. 1) That’s okay  2) It’s not my fault. And 3) It’s perfectly fine to walk away.  As one confidant told me, “you need to take your heavy heart and give your issue to Jesus.  Leave it at the foot of the Cross, say one prayer for an intercession and one prayer for the person who has hurt you…and then walk away.” 
I encourage all of you to read this article because Gretchin gives 10 amazing reasons as to why it’s okay to end a relationship and “dismiss a person.”  My two favorites, and the most applicable in my case are #5; You are not kind and #6; You are not adding any value to my life. “You have said [and done] hurtful things.  Not out of anger, not out of love, not to inform or help, but only to be hurtful. And being a parent and spouse is hard.  If you can’t encourage me, laugh with me, chat with me, help me, or just sit with me…why are we friends?”
I wish all of you out there peace in your life, as mothers, wives & women.  I hope you don’t harbor anger like I have and that this article will let you know you’re not alone and it’s okay.  I love you guys and hope you know you are always welcome & supported here!

*Gretchin also blogs at Your Mom Is Strange.com.

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  • 4 thoughts on “Sunday Sense; You Are Dismissed!

    1. Melissa Guzmann

      This is a great article, thanks for sharing. This is definitely something I've struggled with over the years. It's really hard for me to "say goodbye" to people that at one time were important in my life, but sometimes that is just the way it is. Just give it to God!

      Reply
    2. ChalkSouthernToMe

      I needed this reminder, it came at the most perfect time! Thank you for sharing and I hope you are moving forward and not looking back on those that have caused such pain. Xo, Stephanie

      Reply
    3. Jennifer at The Champagne Supernova

      Great post Morgan, and a big reminder that we've all been in the same boat. We all know it's harder to form strong friendships as we get older. The same opportunities for being vulnerable and spending time regularly with people- which are the recipes for forming strong friendships- just aren't as available now as they were back in high school, college, and before getting married and having kids when you could talk on the phone or go out during the week. I've seen people do some really ugly things, and I have to be honest, I've observed it more in the SAHM group than in the working mom group, which makes me glad to be at work all day avoiding the drama. I've also observed some wannabe "Queen Bees"- girls who seem to be powerful, the center of social activities, and seemingly have a ton of friends, but who also presented themselves as passive-aggressive bullies who don't like other women who they perceive as "better" than them (and who don't constantly validate them the way the rest of the group does.) These same bullies are excluders who don't want to be excluded, and when they do purposely exclude, they frame it as "please, we're in our 30s, we don't have to invite everyone to everything all the time." It just doesn't end, but the important part is recognizing it, moving on, taking the person with a grain of salt, but not engaging in the gossip and being the bigger person. Sometimes "giving someone something to talk about" is NOT the best choice and flying under the radar in a non-dramatic way is. (Take it from someone who has regretfully opened my mouth one too many times when, even though I was "right" keeping it closed would have saved a lot of headache!) Cheers!

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